Thoughts on impending fatherhood.

A little girl! I can't begin to express how blessed I feel and it's not even January yet. For awhile I was pretty convinced that I wanted my first child to be a boy, and yet in the middle of the ultrasound, as we are counting heart valves and checking for vital organs, something truer in me was praying for a different outcome. More than ever, I am enchanted by the woman I married and I doubt that this stage in my life could feel anymore "right".

I often get asked if I am scared about becoming a father. I suppose that's quite a natural response  for young men, (and of course young ladies) when preparing for your first child. I am sure of a few things, my excitement, for one. I am sure of my sense of hope and wonder. I feel almost filled with a renewed sense of purpose for my family and our dreams. All good things. In one sense, I feel that raising my own child will be a bit of a healing process for me. Like many young men, I didn't have the best relationship with my father growing up.

To be fair, there wasn't much relationship to speak of at all. My parents got divorced when I was about five years old. I really haven't seen my father since. Due to a lot of events going on in the life of my family at that time, my parents went their separate ways and I was raised entirely by my mother and two older sisters. I have but just a few memories of him from the perspective of a boy no taller than a dining room table.

As an adult, and being aware of the man that I am, I certainly realize the blessings we can be handed in the middle of negative spaces. I know now, that my development has been a unique one. I have always felt the need to wade into the fray, and get my hands dirty, and bite off more than I can chew to learn life's lessons. My individualism has driven me to get in over my head, run with the wrong crowds, and date the wrong women on a number of occasions, and I am frankly thankful for the lack of safety net that a father can so lovingly provide. But that is just me. I imagine it's not a boone to a all men.

At times I think the thing I miss the most, (miss in this context being a bit of a misnomer, it is difficult to miss something you have not experienced) about not having a father is having a benchmark. You try with all your might to, "be just like dad" and a day comes when you can finally wrestle him to the ground. When you start being self-sufficient and applying all the things he has attempted to pass on. When your career takes off and you surpass him in higher ed. And regardless of how low or lofty the benchmark he sets, it's your standard, set naturally, by your father, and once you've surpassed him, you feel like you've arrived.

I think it adds a level of stability to the life of a boy, having a good role model. It's in this area I feel like I have had to do the most work in terms of defining what, "arriving" looks like for me. Every situation in life comes complete with benefits and detractors. Given a choice, I would not change my personal story or the hardships I've had to mature through. I think it's forced me to develop much character early on, and having been through the rough spots, I think I am more proud of myself than my father ever could be.

Of course, through my life, I have had many, many, strong role models and father figures who have stepped in and out at different times to mentor me. Their contributions to my life have been invaluable, they know who they are and I think of them often. While a surrogate can never really replace the real deal, I have been taught so much and received so much validation from these men and I am confident I would not be the man I am today without their input.

The question being, spending my formative years without an adequate framework for what a loving father looks like, do I feel a sense of trepidation about being a dad to another little human being? I think I would be worried if I didn't feel at least a little anxiety, which is present. But overall, for all the bitterness, the loneliness, and the hard times, I feel that being a caring, playful, loving, hardworking, and supportive father is the greatest revenge I could ever take on the negativity I experienced. I am confident and excited to do it right, I am excited to show the young child in me how it could have been, and I am excited to be my own benchmark and to have the satisfaction of knowing that my children will never experience some of the challenges I have had to navigate. Indeed, I am very much looking forward to being a dad.