Just as love is an action, and not a feeling. So too with morality.

I think it is pretty widely accepted these days that falling in love is not the same as actually being in love. Still further, being in love is not the same as being loving. There is a very real difference between feelings of love, which psychologists with an air of sterility call, “collapsing ego boundaries”, and real love, which is the act of extending oneself for the growth or benefit of another. Many lovers, know how to cathect, how to covet, and how to desire the object of their affection, but they often fall short when it comes to putting the needs of their significant other above their own or even better, seeking harmonious solutions that are mutually beneficial.

I could talk a lot about this distinction. There is definitely a spectrum upon which we might find ourselves. Do we sacrifice our own needs far too much in our relationships? Do we have a healthy level of selfishness? Do we constantly find ourselves feeling taken advantage of, and needy for reciprocation? On the other end of the spectrum, are we disconnected from the needs of those with whom we are in relationship? Do we lack compassion or awareness of the emotional moods of those around us? As in all things, I would encourage balance. Awareness of the needs of others and awareness of our own needs are far from mutually exclusive skills.

As any mature lover has to learn before too long, love is work. It takes work to keep communication cooperative as opposed to accusatory. It takes effort and self-awareness to be genuine and vulnerable and trusting. It takes patience and commitment to deal with each others' flaws, imperfections, and weaknesses day after day after day. In the end, love is a process that grows us. It expands our capacity for compassion, empathy, kindness, and thoughtfulness. It also enriches our inner world. It is a worthwhile process. But be under no illusion, first and foremost, it is work.

My point is that there is a large difference between feeling loving and committing acts of love. I would like to transition now and apply this distinction to the exciting, anything goes world of morality.

To offer some definition, because I know many of us have different concepts of what the word morality entails, I mean the following. Morality is the basis for which we judge ourselves and the world at large . Morality is personal, and I believe it informs our sense of “right” behavior. There are three brief topics I want to touch on under this heading, now that we have an idea of what I mean by morals, and how we can focus on being moral people as opposed to being ineffectual altruists.

First. A heart, sick for the plight of the homeless is better served by volunteerism than by political ranting. I don't think that at any time in history the poor have been used so extensively as a tool for political division. Oh, you care about the poor? That's refreshing, no one else does. All manner of statistics and studies are used today to prove an overwhelming disparity between the haves and have nots. There is a reality to this. There have always been class systems in society. The poor have always been with us. At this time in our national debate we are trying to determine what the best strategy would be to help those who are in genuine need. While this debate rages on, I have a suggestion.

You help the poor. I know many people who volunteer for food banks, and help out at the union gospel mission in Salem. I know people who donate time and goods to shelters that help provide baby clothes and formula to new mothers. What an awesome and practical approach to a real problem. I'm tired of the moral high ground arguments. I'm tired of the judgmental grandstanding. If you have a bleeding heart for the poorest among us, then try to be a part of a real solution instead of waiting for an obviously defunct and corrupt government system to force others to do it for you.

Next. Success is not immoral. Success is subjective. Success for one man may be to build a billion dollar software company. For another man, his idea of success could very legitimately be a safe and non-abusive upbringing for his children with enough time to play local guitar gigs on the side. Our ideas of success our wildly different and that's good. But using your abhorrence for wealth and riches as an excuse to never pursue your natural giftings, talents, and ambitions is self limiting nonsense.

Finally. Money is not evil, it is a tool. Money can't buy happiness. But money can buy options. Money can buy security. Money can buy free time. Money can buy toys and entertainment. Last time I checked, options, security, free time, and entertainment, while not necessarily happiness, could most certainly be considered the aliquant thereof. It is not evil or immoral to want more free time or security. Just like an athletes ability lies in his muscles, money is your ability to shape the world around you more closely to your liking. Including, the state of the less fortunate in your life.

I don't mean to insinuate that becoming wealthy or highly successful in any field is an easy task. Far from it. But there are many hurdles and roadblocks on the way and the above is just two of the most common that I see a lot. Like, a lot, a lot. For many reasons that I don't want to get into in this already lengthy post, I am convinced that we are taught almost relentlessly that being happy and successful is somehow an undesirable state. I don't get it, but I don't think its somehow moral to sell yourself short.

So, as a summation of this dense and rich post:

1. Real love is characterized by extending yourself for the growth and edification of yourself or another. A healthy balance should be struck between these two. Feelings of desire are not the same as being loving.
2. Instead of investing yourself in the political diatribe about poverty, start being apart of the solution now. Help out in whatever way makes you feel good. It's ok to get emotional rewards from your good works, but let your works be tangible and deliberate. We'll start making a better world before you know it.
3. Success is nothing more than a definition. It's personal, and therefore different from one person to the next. Be willing to be honest about how ever large or small your ambitions are and give yourself permission to start taking tangible steps towards that end.
4. Money is just a tool that helps us acquire many intangible benefits like more free time and personal security. Preaching this as evil or trying to tell yourself that these are not good ends in and of themselves is almost akin to lying to oneself. We all want more of the things money can buy. So try to change your perspective on it and try to relate to it in a healthier way.

Thank you very much for investing your time in reading this article. I do primarily write what is interesting to me or what has been on my mind all week. Everything I've talked about here are distinctions that I have found very helpful in striving to be more balanced and fulfilled. I hope you find some of these thoughts helpful or at the very least interesting. Have a wonderful week.