Thoughts on impending fatherhood.

A little girl! I can't begin to express how blessed I feel and it's not even January yet. For awhile I was pretty convinced that I wanted my first child to be a boy, and yet in the middle of the ultrasound, as we are counting heart valves and checking for vital organs, something truer in me was praying for a different outcome. More than ever, I am enchanted by the woman I married and I doubt that this stage in my life could feel anymore "right".

I often get asked if I am scared about becoming a father. I suppose that's quite a natural response  for young men, (and of course young ladies) when preparing for your first child. I am sure of a few things, my excitement, for one. I am sure of my sense of hope and wonder. I feel almost filled with a renewed sense of purpose for my family and our dreams. All good things. In one sense, I feel that raising my own child will be a bit of a healing process for me. Like many young men, I didn't have the best relationship with my father growing up.

To be fair, there wasn't much relationship to speak of at all. My parents got divorced when I was about five years old. I really haven't seen my father since. Due to a lot of events going on in the life of my family at that time, my parents went their separate ways and I was raised entirely by my mother and two older sisters. I have but just a few memories of him from the perspective of a boy no taller than a dining room table.

As an adult, and being aware of the man that I am, I certainly realize the blessings we can be handed in the middle of negative spaces. I know now, that my development has been a unique one. I have always felt the need to wade into the fray, and get my hands dirty, and bite off more than I can chew to learn life's lessons. My individualism has driven me to get in over my head, run with the wrong crowds, and date the wrong women on a number of occasions, and I am frankly thankful for the lack of safety net that a father can so lovingly provide. But that is just me. I imagine it's not a boone to a all men.

At times I think the thing I miss the most, (miss in this context being a bit of a misnomer, it is difficult to miss something you have not experienced) about not having a father is having a benchmark. You try with all your might to, "be just like dad" and a day comes when you can finally wrestle him to the ground. When you start being self-sufficient and applying all the things he has attempted to pass on. When your career takes off and you surpass him in higher ed. And regardless of how low or lofty the benchmark he sets, it's your standard, set naturally, by your father, and once you've surpassed him, you feel like you've arrived.

I think it adds a level of stability to the life of a boy, having a good role model. It's in this area I feel like I have had to do the most work in terms of defining what, "arriving" looks like for me. Every situation in life comes complete with benefits and detractors. Given a choice, I would not change my personal story or the hardships I've had to mature through. I think it's forced me to develop much character early on, and having been through the rough spots, I think I am more proud of myself than my father ever could be.

Of course, through my life, I have had many, many, strong role models and father figures who have stepped in and out at different times to mentor me. Their contributions to my life have been invaluable, they know who they are and I think of them often. While a surrogate can never really replace the real deal, I have been taught so much and received so much validation from these men and I am confident I would not be the man I am today without their input.

The question being, spending my formative years without an adequate framework for what a loving father looks like, do I feel a sense of trepidation about being a dad to another little human being? I think I would be worried if I didn't feel at least a little anxiety, which is present. But overall, for all the bitterness, the loneliness, and the hard times, I feel that being a caring, playful, loving, hardworking, and supportive father is the greatest revenge I could ever take on the negativity I experienced. I am confident and excited to do it right, I am excited to show the young child in me how it could have been, and I am excited to be my own benchmark and to have the satisfaction of knowing that my children will never experience some of the challenges I have had to navigate. Indeed, I am very much looking forward to being a dad.



 

Just as love is an action, and not a feeling. So too with morality.

I think it is pretty widely accepted these days that falling in love is not the same as actually being in love. Still further, being in love is not the same as being loving. There is a very real difference between feelings of love, which psychologists with an air of sterility call, “collapsing ego boundaries”, and real love, which is the act of extending oneself for the growth or benefit of another. Many lovers, know how to cathect, how to covet, and how to desire the object of their affection, but they often fall short when it comes to putting the needs of their significant other above their own or even better, seeking harmonious solutions that are mutually beneficial.

I could talk a lot about this distinction. There is definitely a spectrum upon which we might find ourselves. Do we sacrifice our own needs far too much in our relationships? Do we have a healthy level of selfishness? Do we constantly find ourselves feeling taken advantage of, and needy for reciprocation? On the other end of the spectrum, are we disconnected from the needs of those with whom we are in relationship? Do we lack compassion or awareness of the emotional moods of those around us? As in all things, I would encourage balance. Awareness of the needs of others and awareness of our own needs are far from mutually exclusive skills.

As any mature lover has to learn before too long, love is work. It takes work to keep communication cooperative as opposed to accusatory. It takes effort and self-awareness to be genuine and vulnerable and trusting. It takes patience and commitment to deal with each others' flaws, imperfections, and weaknesses day after day after day. In the end, love is a process that grows us. It expands our capacity for compassion, empathy, kindness, and thoughtfulness. It also enriches our inner world. It is a worthwhile process. But be under no illusion, first and foremost, it is work.

My point is that there is a large difference between feeling loving and committing acts of love. I would like to transition now and apply this distinction to the exciting, anything goes world of morality.

To offer some definition, because I know many of us have different concepts of what the word morality entails, I mean the following. Morality is the basis for which we judge ourselves and the world at large . Morality is personal, and I believe it informs our sense of “right” behavior. There are three brief topics I want to touch on under this heading, now that we have an idea of what I mean by morals, and how we can focus on being moral people as opposed to being ineffectual altruists.

First. A heart, sick for the plight of the homeless is better served by volunteerism than by political ranting. I don't think that at any time in history the poor have been used so extensively as a tool for political division. Oh, you care about the poor? That's refreshing, no one else does. All manner of statistics and studies are used today to prove an overwhelming disparity between the haves and have nots. There is a reality to this. There have always been class systems in society. The poor have always been with us. At this time in our national debate we are trying to determine what the best strategy would be to help those who are in genuine need. While this debate rages on, I have a suggestion.

You help the poor. I know many people who volunteer for food banks, and help out at the union gospel mission in Salem. I know people who donate time and goods to shelters that help provide baby clothes and formula to new mothers. What an awesome and practical approach to a real problem. I'm tired of the moral high ground arguments. I'm tired of the judgmental grandstanding. If you have a bleeding heart for the poorest among us, then try to be a part of a real solution instead of waiting for an obviously defunct and corrupt government system to force others to do it for you.

Next. Success is not immoral. Success is subjective. Success for one man may be to build a billion dollar software company. For another man, his idea of success could very legitimately be a safe and non-abusive upbringing for his children with enough time to play local guitar gigs on the side. Our ideas of success our wildly different and that's good. But using your abhorrence for wealth and riches as an excuse to never pursue your natural giftings, talents, and ambitions is self limiting nonsense.

Finally. Money is not evil, it is a tool. Money can't buy happiness. But money can buy options. Money can buy security. Money can buy free time. Money can buy toys and entertainment. Last time I checked, options, security, free time, and entertainment, while not necessarily happiness, could most certainly be considered the aliquant thereof. It is not evil or immoral to want more free time or security. Just like an athletes ability lies in his muscles, money is your ability to shape the world around you more closely to your liking. Including, the state of the less fortunate in your life.

I don't mean to insinuate that becoming wealthy or highly successful in any field is an easy task. Far from it. But there are many hurdles and roadblocks on the way and the above is just two of the most common that I see a lot. Like, a lot, a lot. For many reasons that I don't want to get into in this already lengthy post, I am convinced that we are taught almost relentlessly that being happy and successful is somehow an undesirable state. I don't get it, but I don't think its somehow moral to sell yourself short.

So, as a summation of this dense and rich post:

1. Real love is characterized by extending yourself for the growth and edification of yourself or another. A healthy balance should be struck between these two. Feelings of desire are not the same as being loving.
2. Instead of investing yourself in the political diatribe about poverty, start being apart of the solution now. Help out in whatever way makes you feel good. It's ok to get emotional rewards from your good works, but let your works be tangible and deliberate. We'll start making a better world before you know it.
3. Success is nothing more than a definition. It's personal, and therefore different from one person to the next. Be willing to be honest about how ever large or small your ambitions are and give yourself permission to start taking tangible steps towards that end.
4. Money is just a tool that helps us acquire many intangible benefits like more free time and personal security. Preaching this as evil or trying to tell yourself that these are not good ends in and of themselves is almost akin to lying to oneself. We all want more of the things money can buy. So try to change your perspective on it and try to relate to it in a healthier way.

Thank you very much for investing your time in reading this article. I do primarily write what is interesting to me or what has been on my mind all week. Everything I've talked about here are distinctions that I have found very helpful in striving to be more balanced and fulfilled. I hope you find some of these thoughts helpful or at the very least interesting. Have a wonderful week.  

Why 110% is never enough to succeed.

This is a phrase I hate. To be honest I've never liked it. Probably, because I am a realist and as cute and motivating as it may sound, everything has a max capacity and 100% is a tidy definition of that capacity. By definition, you cannot exceed a things maximum capacity, at least not without catastrophic results. I have a finite amount of energy, talent, resolve, and focus. Asking me to give a project 110% is like asking me to square a circle or at the very least, create catastrophic internal results.

If you think that I am just being pedantic and splitting hairs, let me get to my point. Aside from carelessly throwing such a useful definition as, “maximum capacity” to be sacrificed on the altar of desire for exaggerated and illusory results, I think it is dead wrong. This is simply my opinion and that is always what you will get in this forum, my bias, but I think a healthier way is the following.

Never, ever, ever, give any one task more than 80% of your attention, energy, or focus. To do otherwise is imbalance, it provides diminishing returns on your effort, it is not as effective, and frankly not very much fun. Don't get me wrong, I'm not recommending that surgeons try to be less focused or less attentive to their work while slicing out a tumor. I am recommending that everyone strive to be more “optimally” engaged in their tasks.

I think any standard we set for ourselves that is out of sync with reality is unhealthy. Whether or not the intent of of the phrase110% is understood, it's still disconnected from our actual abilities and can create unnecessary stress, false expectations, and an overall sense of being cattle. What are we a pack mule? Humans are not so simple, our worth is determined not by our outputs, (the tangible things we accomplish in the external world) but by the internal state of our souls. Consistent and repeatable external success will always flow out of an internal state of well being and balance.

How would it feel, if you were to develop a sense of when you were at your emotional or mental 80%? Just like your muscles can tell when you have been on the treadmill long enough or you have done enough dumbbell repetitions to get a satisfactory workout. Any more would lead to excessive muscle tearing, and longer recovery time. How is your mind any different? Try to become aware of the point when you have dealt with that difficult family member long enough for this week. Try to realize when you have set your sights too high at your job so that the overall quality of your work or home life suffers.

This also deals with perfectionism. Remember what our goals our, we are after success, not perfection. I have found that a project 80% complete is usually more than enough to succeed. Anymore and you are getting diminishing returns on your effort. I am in training for 65%. How effective can I be with my energies that my overall life is balanced, my goals are being met or exceeded, I have more fun, and I am less stressed? Find where your limit is and remember that what we are really after are feelings of contentment, accomplishment, and well being.

You only have 100% to work with. Harmony with your natural limits is the quickest and healthiest way to achieving your goals. Learn to be obstinate about your need to rest and reward yourself. Read a book, drink some coffee, play with your pets, or work in your garden. The illusory 30% be damned. 

Epigram: The modern day Christian looks out at the world from gilded bars of his own design and perceives everything else as in bondage.

The goal and tone of this brief article is to be focused on the internal world of the religious man. People wonder why on earth I find politics interesting. How can I tolerate so many conflicting opinions, the nastiness, and one-ups-man-ship. “I was raised in church”, I respond with the cool air of a grizzled Vietnam veteran.

Obviously, not all churches are nasty and not all religion is toxic. Faith, can have a great positive influence on the lives of individuals, families, and communities. Everything they say about it is true. It's redeeming, it's life changing, it's fulfilling, but is it freeing? One better, do we believe that liberty is even a valid criteria for religion?

I know from secular study that the rarest and most gratifying state of a man (or woman) is one of volition, autonomy, and personal power. One would be extremely hard pressed to make the case that, historically speaking, religion has been a champion of this desired state.

Even though we have the spotty track record of oppression and, not to use too harsh a word, genocide that has been a by product of religious institutions of the past. I wonder if the original intent of Christianity was to set the oppressed free from the oppressors. Was the original intent of Jesus to upset the oppressive and religious institutions of his day or was it to simply replace it with one that he liked better and that just happened to be far more subjective?

I think the subjectivity of our modern Christian “laws” is it's most damnable characteristic. In the 80's it was makeup and jewelry for women, in the 90's it was rock music with too many beats-per-minute, in the new century it was Harry Potter books, and yet all of these things have been by and large accepted, and assimilated into our “safe list” even though the hew and cry and authority of scripture was touted from every pulpit. Are we willing to admit that we simply don't know what rules to enforce on ourselves and others and that scares us?

The end result is the modern Christian, dutifully crafting cages for himself with whatever he can find to make both his faith and prison tangible. The internal guilt burden that many religious people heap on themselves is a pitiful practice. The Son of God was manifest as a man, sacrificed for iniquity, and has empowered us with his spirit. Priority one seems to be repeating the shadow of bondage, only to a lesser extent in our personal lives and relationships just as thousands of years of corrupt institutions have taught us to do. I can't help but think that when we debate the importance of the Torah, or New Covenant vs. Old or any clever mix in between, we are acting in antipathy to the very spirit of God who designed us to thrive under conditions of volition, autonomy, personal power, and mental well being.

Epigram: A solution to the wrong problem is no solution at all.

Have you ever found yourself in this situation? You're in a conflict at work. Maybe your boss is upset with you or you have to deal with a passive aggressive co-worker. Maybe you are dealing with some family drama, (that never happens, right) or you are having a long running disagreement with your spouse. The most obvious solution? Time to rearrange the living room.

This is a chronic behavior of mine. When a situation, usually relational, has become cluttered with lots of emotional variables, I remove it from my list of concerns. After a short lapse of time, I become manic with the need to fix a problem. Any problem. Let's solve world hunger, prove Jesus is the Messiah, organize my file cabinet and rearrange the living room furniture. The problem is no longer the problem, or never was to begin with.

This cuts to the core of my, (our) need for control in our lives. It's not that the situation is too confusing, or that I don't have a grasp on the emotions in play, or even that I don't know how to most positively respond, (I usually do). It's often because, I’ve found myself in a scenario that I have very little influence upon yet the situation affects me greatly. Whether I like it or not, I get to experience the foul moods of others, the simplistic cycles of drama, and the obstinacy of conflict. At this point, the psychological need to fix something, to establish feelings of control and influence on my environment become paramount.

This is not a negative thing per se. Like most of our emotional states, it's an indicator of a deeper issue. The original situation may still be well outside your sphere of control, but recognizing the real problem is far more important than a thousand solutions to the wrong one. Regardless of what things you are driven to accomplish during this cycle, you will inevitably end up feeling even more helpless than when you started as the list of fixes has done nothing to assuage your core feelings of uneasiness.

Recognize what's really bothering you, ask yourself how you really feel about it, and journal about it if you have to. Make sure your influence on the situation is a positive one, pour yourself a cup of coffee, and get on with your day.

Seriously though, your living room hasn't even been dusted for 6 months. Shuffling the couches around is not the worst thing that could happen.